Can we please be honest about 69?

If 69 is your favorite position, I'm not here to convince you otherwise. But as a sex therapist, I have to admit something: I think a lot of people like the idea of 69 more than they actually like 69.

It's one of those positions that's become almost iconic. It's mutual. It's equal. It sounds like the best of both worlds because everyone is giving and receiving pleasure at the same time. What's not to love?

Well... Maybe the fact that you're trying to do two jobs at once.

The problem isn't the position, it's the multitasking.

On paper, simultaneous pleasure sounds efficient. In practice, it often means neither person is fully focused on what they're experiencing.

Instead of settling into the moment, your attention is constantly shifting. You're paying attention to what your partner is doing, trying to make sure they're enjoying what you're doing, adjusting your position so nobody gets a cramp, wondering if you're doing enough, and somewhere in the middle of all that, you're also supposed to relax enough to enjoy yourself.

Imagine trying to enjoy a massage while giving someone else a massage at the exact same time. Could you do it? Probably. But would you actually be able to sink into the experience the way you would if all you had to do was receive?

For a lot of people, that's exactly what 69 feels like.

Good sex isn't always about doing more.

One of the biggest myths I see in my work is that better sex comes from adding more: more positions, more stimulation, more novelty, more things happening at once. Sometimes that's true. But just as often, better sex comes from removing distractions.

The more mentally present you are, the easier it is to notice subtle sensations, stay connected to your body, and communicate what feels good. That's difficult to do when half of your brain is focused on making sure someone else is having a good time. Ironically, the position that's supposed to maximize mutual pleasure can end up making both people a little less present.

Sometimes taking turns is actually hotter.

One of the simplest changes I recommend to couples is also one of the least exciting on paper: Take turns. Let one person receive while the other focuses entirely on giving. Then switch.

It sounds almost too simple, but removing the pressure to perform and receive simultaneously often helps people relax. It also allows the person giving to actually pay attention instead of splitting their focus between two experiences. There's something incredibly intimate about knowing your only job is to enjoy yourself while your partner's only job is to pay attention to you.

The best position is the one you don't feel like you have to pretend to enjoy.

If you genuinely love 69, keep it in the rotation. This isn't an anti-69 campaign. But if you've secretly spent years wondering why it never quite lived up to the hype, you're not alone.

Sometimes we confuse "popular" with "universally pleasurable." We assume that because a position is common (or because it looks hot), it must be the pinnacle of good sex. The reality is that good sex is much less about finding the "best" position and much more about finding the experiences that allow both people to be present, curious, and honest about what actually feels good.

Because at the end of the day, the goal isn't to check boxes or recreate something you saw in a movie. It's to enjoy yourself. So go do that, whether its in the 69 position or not!

Danielle Simpson-Baker is a Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) in Florida and a Board Certified Sexologist with the American Board of Sexology (ABS). Danielle holds an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy and is currently working toward a certificate in Sex Therapy. She also creates sex-positive content on social media (IG: @thesexpottherapist, TikTok: @thesxptthrpst) that has amassed more than 50,000 followers combined since 2018; with that following, Danielle created Intimaura, an online sexual wellness hub for journals, resources, and more!

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