If you've spent more time getting ready for a first date than you expect to spend on the date itself, you're in good company. Most women have stood in front of the mirror wondering if they should put on a bit more makeup, change into something “nicer”, or finally shave their legs. It's almost automatic. We've been hearing the same messages for years: “Smile more, make an effort, you'll look prettier if you wear lipstick, you'd be gorgeous if you just did something with your hair...” Etc etc etc.
Let's call those comments what they are. Unsolicited.
Somehow, women have ended up carrying the expectation that looking attractive is part of being polite. As though showing up clean, kind, funny, and interested aren’t quite enough unless you've also spent an hour removing all your body hair and perfecting your eyeliner. It's a strange deal when you stop and think about it, especially because nobody asks men if they'd be more likeable with a bit of concealer and a blow wave.
That's not to say makeup, fashion, or beauty routines are the enemy. If you love spending an hour getting ready because it makes you feel confident or like the best version of yourself, have at it. Beauty can be fun. It can be a hobby or it can be self-expression. But if you're putting on makeup because you're worried someone will think you've “let yourself go”, that's not self-care.
Dating apps have a way of amplifying that pressure. You haven't even met this person yet, but suddenly you're wondering if your sneakers are too casual or whether they'll notice your roots. Meanwhile, they're probably wondering whether you'll laugh at their jokes or if they've picked a decent bar. One of you is thinking about conversation. The other is wondering if their eyebrows are symmetrical.
What a waste of energy! The truth is, the things that make someone enjoyable to date have very little to do with whether they've had a fresh wax. Curiosity, confidence, and kindness are attractive. Feeling comfortable enough to be yourself is attractive. Nobody has ever become a better listener because they put on fake eyelashes.
And while we're at it, can we please retire the phrase “You'd be so much prettier if you smiled”? Women are not decorative objects, and smiling isn't a public service. Maybe she's thinking, or nervous, or maybe she's just existing with her face exactly as it is (don’t get us started on “resting bitch face” – bitch, that’s just my face).
By all means, get dressed up if it makes you feel good. Wear the red lipstick. Buy the outfit. Book the manicure. Just make sure you're doing it because it brings you joy, not because you think someone else has earned a performative version of you before they've even learned your last name.
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